Bill Stancil: The snap, crackle, pop of war

We’re at war again, but it’s not a blood-bath or a battle requiring a steady influx of troops. It is, at times, highly frustrating and even disappointing. It is not part of the continuing war against drugs or other types of crime, although I believe we should fight those just as hard as any other war. But, like all wars, this one has life-changing effects. It is a war that we are involved in almost every morning of our lives. I’m talking about a war that all red-blooded Americans have been in, and are still involved in, for a long, long time — the Cereal Wars.

Selecting a cereal used to be a simple matter. Remember when you had a choice mostly between oatmeal, Corn Flakes, Wheaties, Raisin Bran, Cream of Wheat, Hot Ralston, Rice Krispies, Quaker Oats, Cheerios and a few others? They were simple fare that gave you no problems if you were going to eat cereal for breakfast.

The Jolly-looking old Dutchman on the round oatmeal box seemed to be inviting kids to breakfast with him in a friendly way that was almost irresistible.

Corn Flakes were great for a quick, crunchy breakfast with the golden taste of toasted corn, as were the toasted oats in Cheerios.

Then the Cereal War took another turn. It went on the radio to further hold kids and adults in their iron grip.

We tried Wheaties because it was the “Breakfast of Champions” and was backed up by one of our favorite radio heroes — Jack Armstrong, the All-American Boy. And which boy in your neighborhood did not want to be an All-American? Later, they added athletes’ pictures to the box.

Hot Ralston cereal tried it with whom many people of that day considered an All-American Cowboy — Tom Mix. I still remember how their jingle went: “ Take a tip from Tom, go and tell your mom, Hot Ralston can’t be beat.” Well, I went and told my mom and she bought some Hot Ralston. The song was wrong. Most anything I had ever eaten tasted better than the cereal, at least to me, and ditto for the Cream of Wheat. But people promoting the cereal learned how to combat the refusal of kids like me. “Ve haf our vays to make you eat,” they threatened, and began to come up with underhanded devices to get us to surrender.

They began to hide secret codes and secret decoder rings and other toys in the cereals — cars, trucks and other things. They added pictures of the toy on the boxes. Then we begged our moms to let us go grocery shopping with them, and we took it upon ourselves to select the cereal, based on the toy that might be inside. And we couldn’t wait to get into the box, so we opened them upside down and got the toy out first.

Some cereal makers became sneaky in their efforts. They made us save the box tops and send them off to receive a “once-in-a-lifetime inexpensive and quickly breakable surprise.” So then we wanted the boxes more than the contents.

The war raged through our adolescent years as cereals kept changing, and then something unexpected happened to us…we grew up and left the trenches of war and watched from the sidelines as new cereals with new flavors and names like Cap’n Crunch, Cocoa Puffs and Frosted Flakes invaded our children’s breakfasts. Some still offered coupons and toys.

Our children and grandchildren carried on the battles in the Cereal Wars, and now cereals promise us everything from good times to good health. Several new weapons have been added to their arsenals; they have combined cereals with fruit, having added strawberries — one of my favorites — to the ingredients. However, only rarely do we get a box in which strawberries are found in any edible amount.

But this morning, refusing to surrender, I soldiered on, being all I could be at breakfast, shaking and rattling the cereal box, just trying to get a strawberry into my bowl. And in the heat of battle I could almost hear their diabolical threat again: “Ve haf our vays to drife you mad!”

Bill Stancil is a freelance writer, formerly of the Rocky Mount Telegram.